RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
