i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
