Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
