alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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