The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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