She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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