Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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