bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
