so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
