It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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