why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
