I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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