Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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