Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
