I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
