She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
