my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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