why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
