Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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