hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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