Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
