whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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