im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
