my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
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At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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