I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
