broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
