My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sorry about my life...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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