my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
