you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
