I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
