Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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