Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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