my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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