ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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