youre lurking in front of me
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
