i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
