My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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