She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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