He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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