I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
