It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
