omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
