I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
