Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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