After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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