you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
