So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
foreskin is a definite game changer
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
