I wish my penis had an off switch
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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