I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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