He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
