I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
