There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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