the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
