I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
